Calculations conducted with data obtained from the user commentary sections of videogame review websites conclude that the following constitutes the optimal critique of every game ever released. Feel free to paste it where appropriate.
The One and Only Right Review
I'm the wrong writer for this review. I've given the game a score it doesn't deserve: too stingy because I'm biased against the platform it's supposed to sell; unduly generous because I hoped to hide my bias towards the competing console. I've been bribed to deny that the game sucks; bribed to say that it does indeed.
I'm an imbecile. My score doesn't match the aggregation site average which, to indulge one co-conspirator, I wanted to raise. Actually, I intended to reduce it in order to satisfy the other.
My editors are morons. Instead of assigning this review to a fan of the genre who wouldn't have naively mistaken imitative mediocrity for innovation because he hadn't already played the eleven other games exactly like it, they gave it to me: a cynic who, having played and appreciated almost every game of the genre ever released, has unreasonably high expectations.
I evaluated a sim according to arcade standards, and I expected simulation in a goofy arcade game.
Had I played more than a mere 40 hours prior to collecting my $60 check (which may or may not arrive in three months) I'd have noticed that the game takes an irreversible turn for the worse on the third replay and redeems itself on the fourth.
I neglected to dedicate individual paragraphs to the trophies and achievements, the customization, the cutscenes, the voice-overs, the Havoc physics, the pause menu, the patented and groundbreaking player abilities bullet-pointed on the press release, and if not these then everything else that the discerning readers who choose to use the comment function on this site point out while proving that they are, in fact, far more qualified to have written this review.
Now the credibility I never had is as good as gone. This website and/or magazine was demonstrably better before its former writers and editors departed to become the despised new regimes at rival websites and magazines.
Memory
1 year ago
115 comments:
I give this blog post a 7.578 / 10. Because it's TERRIBLE and it SUCKS.
Sloppy seconds, Jordan. Gamespy already gave this review a 9.0.
Why so low, Jordan? Why so low?
Why so low???
So what you're trying to say is, Uncharted 2 is underrated.
I like Shawn, but he keeps failing to acknowledge that all reviews are biased. Opinions are biased by their definition. The reason why people complain about the reviews is the same as the reasons the score gets assigned by the author. It is an opinion and nothing more. The fact that Shawn complains about complaints does not make him any better than those idiots on NeoGaf.
I loled.
Good for you Shawn, you may sound cynical but fuck at least someone cares enough to hate this hard on the gaming press.
This made me laugh, nice one Shawn :)
I'm pretty sure Shawn understands that all reviews have some degree of bias. However, he failed to grasp that what he termed 'poor design' was actually a shrewd choice on the part of the designers to make the game CHALLENGING. That's how they do it in Japan, which he would understand if he were more culturally aware.
Resident UA: For more than five years I have acknowledged and argued not only that reviews of entertainment media are by definition not objective but also that they shouldn't strive for an illusory objectivity. Thanks for reading, thumbsucker.
noted blog replier and thing-not-getter "thabigred" doesn't get joke; replies nonetheless
I personally enjoy that there are negative/uninformed comments here. Makes the point all that clearer, eh?
Made me laugh :)
haha nicetry how much did gamespy pay u to come the there defents with this shiity "review" (i put it in commas cos this hardly even is a review LOL. u dont even do a good job cos sometime it sound like u hate them to well they desreve it for what they done
one of the funniest articles ever but you forgot the blackhand controls.
7.964/10
I think my opinions on this and of Shawn totally matter and that's why I am going to share them in a comment.
I find this blog post highly compelling. It provides a visceral read for fans of the review genre. 9/10.
This is the deepest and most nuanced review ever.
Shawn, when it comes to gaming culture, you are the guy behind the guy behind the guy.
Simply understanding this post, and what I think is its searing sarcasm, takes more knowledge of the gaming press than I'll ever have the time to acquire. And it must've taken that much more knowledge to be able to write it.
So this one went a little over my head, but in faith, I still appreciate what I think I understand of it. Seems to be the high art version of gaming press criticism.
And I quote:
"Wow you guys suck now!
Author: Jeff , 10/01/2009
Score: A+
I remember when you used to have quality reviewers, like Jeff Green.
I just gave the game the score it deserves, and I give your own review a Fail minus.
Tards!"
Thanks for updating this space again Shawn. I always enjoy your writing.
Resident Rory Manion: I got the joke, and was trolling off of it. That aside, I really liked your gamespy review. It cemented me into pre-ordering it on Amazon.
Reading this, I can't help but imagine it methodically spoken over a beat, ala Whiskey Nerd.
"This but this" at its finest.
Re: Blog.
Yes, mhm. Well. That is true. The point you're making, I mean. Damn.
Don't you think this is a little up your own ass? Change the system if its broke, the reason no one reads the B.S. most people call reviews and have gone to "social outlets" is all the aforesaid b.s.. Didn't you leave all this lovelyness behind?
It seems as if the is an inverse relationship between the population and demographic deversity of a publication's target audience and the average perception of accuracy regarding its reviews. I'd hazard to say that this is more indicative of there being a greater quantity and variety of opinions which likely to come into contact (and thus potentially pass judgement) with a given evaluation- but I think there may be another issue at play. Is it unfeasible to suggest that as a publication becomes more popular it's contributors and editorial staff will be forced (perhaps not overtly or immediately, but rather through sustained pressure to maintain increases in profit, etc) to adopt a less specialized (for want of a better word) analytical discourse; one which disregards the distinctions of the form in exchange for a more base form of (ir)rationalised general appraisal. I fear I'm not exactly making myself clear as to what I mean by that... I can most clearly express it in the proposal that the form of review adopted by the majority of the games press could be just as easily applied to any medium; that the popular methodology ignores the restrictions and advantages of the videogame medium- such as it's systemic formation of unique experience- and in doing so invalidates itself. The "objective" score is symptomatic of a failure to acknowledge the functionality of the form, just as a the failure to acknowledge the role of time in a study of an Internet site would be accordingly.
Oh yes, I also enjoyed the post. :)
this post has money hat written all over it :P
Want to read reviews without all the aforementioned bullshit? Then check out my blog, specifically this review:
http://digitalgigolo.blogspot.com/2009/10/halo-odst-masterclass-in-misdirection.html
There aren't many writers who make me jealous but, Shawn, you're one of them. An absolutely jizz worthy blog entry.
I'd like to be a game reviewer. I'd prefer to review genres that require more time than any other to evaluate and have the most rabid fan-base.
I'm sure this will lead to a long and happy career that shows me the best in humanity and makes me a ton of cash.
http://www.gamesetwatch.com/2009/02/column_bell_game_and_candle__ign_reviews_citizen_kane_the_video_game.php
I think someone already beat youbto the punch Shawn.
Dang man you put a lot of time into that thang a lang I'm sure, but what I fail to understand is the purpose for which all this griping is occurring. I mean, I know its an odd question to ask. Its like asking Bach, why are you so obsessed with music? He would reply that he loves it and probably leave it at that. But do you love critiquing game reviewers that much?
I think instead of sitting back watching all of this take place in front of you, you need to take action. I vaguely remember in one of the Outofthegame podcasts you mentioned something about a fake site called PWN.com or something that was ridiculous with over the top goofy reviews. I feel like that concept could be taken further to possibly enact some sort of change. The idea I have in mind is something along the lines that Francisco d'Anconia did in Atlas Shrugged, if you are catching my drift. Maybe not something quite as destructive, but rather something that could lead to improvement in this general state of pissing that game reviewing has become. We must rise up against a common enemy and vanquish the souls that do not think or put thought into the words they write.
You obviously have the audience and support, so you should do something with this power. I know I would support it.
2 Shawn
All I was saying is that your opinion about reviews is extremely one sided.For example in a case of Uncharted 2review Adam Sessler was attacked as well for giving the game 5 out of 5, which is just a point above Anthony's score. This made him a "Sony fanboy". Opinions are just opinions and instead of calling out people that write idiotic stuff on message boards I wish that reviewers and game journalists (and you) emphasized the fact that reviews are just opinions. Idiots on message boards are not going to disappear and I feel that reviews are useful. I always like reading a review to see how my opinion differs from the author's. It is website's fault when instead of giving credit to the reviewer they try to justify the score on the group (website) level. I think that Gamespot, Gamespy, and Gametrailers are the worst examples of that. And EGM as well as 1up managed to be the best with eurogamer somewhere in the middle. C- from the reviewer I know is more meaningful score to me than 8.5 from IGN. In many ways I might also think that it is a better score because the review his capable of explaining that score (not that I need explanation, but the scores are never going away).
P. S. I really hope you respond to this comment :)
Yo residentUA, ima let you finish, but I just wanna say that Doug had one of the best replys of all time, ALL TIME!
Nice hit job on the "game score fetishists." Still, I don't think you should be surprised by the current state of affairs of this industry.
I think an important question here is, "What did you expect?"
All the talent is concentrated on the developer side of things, games journalism is either utter shit or an extension of the PR wing of publishers, and the whole industry is followed by a sea of reprehensibly overweight morons.
Maybe I'm wrong but I get the nagging sense that you expected more out of this industry. Sorry to say, they're still just video games, and any illusion to the contrary was bound to be broken.
I give these comments a 7.752/10. I felt they were unneeded, but I still felt the worldplay was compelling.
but at the end of the day we'll all still either write a comment that this blog entry was created to mock, agree with one or respond to and so we are all guilty of fueling the fires of idiocy
@resident UA
There is a difference between having an opinion and being biased. If I am biased I come into something determined that it will be bad/good. If I don't like a game because, say, I don't enjoy 2D fighters.
To echo Jesse: Do you bring your friends to the McDonald's you worked at in high school just to show them that the food is still shitty, and the manager is still corrupt? I'd appreciate it if you could hook us up with some good games writing and leave this topic behind for good.
God, Resident. I mean, I really don't want to come off looking like a Shawn Elliot fan boy here (and for even saying that I probably will anyways), but have you ever actually listened to anything he's ever said? The employees of GFW mag and eventually 1up as a whole were collectively the pioneers of the subjective, opinionated review. And the fact that you don't "need an explanation" for a score shows how out of tune you are with his whole godamned thought process in the first place.
Also, people, can we please stop using the words 'objective' and 'subjective' as place holders for 'bad' and 'good' relative to reviews? You're all fucking illiterate, or at least moderately impaired.
to ----> Shawn Elliott
The feedback you see on website/blog/podcasts etc. says -more- about the audience these places target than any true sense of what customers feel about the games they purchase.
If Anthony Gallegos makes a podcast where 30% of the content is about farts, penises, foul language and other antics, he's not going to attract the same audience as Edge magazine.
I'm not saying he shouldn't do what he does, that's his personality and style. But if he caters to people who used to watch "jackass" as if it was a religion and who have a limited one-syllable vocabulary, he shouldn't expect an adult informed opinion on his writing.
Gave me a laugh.
I don't know why game journalist are held to a standard in veracity that political journalism is rarely called on.
There are a lot of complains about the penis joke era of game journalism but at the time at least it seemed honest.
I'm getting kinda bored with the issue. I'm going to assume that informed consumers are following journalist rather than websites.
The Geek Box, Bitmob, Out of The Game and Retronauts are podcast filled with sincerity at least. Which is what's more important to me when it comes to making my purchase decisions.
A lot of consumers are trained to buy what they are told. It's been happening forever. Love your work. - Genesis Montero
Okay, so there's no such thing as an objective review, and people shouldn't mistake "objective" for "good" and "subjective" for "bad".
Great.
So what is the difference between a "good" and "bad" review?
(Or is there such a thing to begin with?)
To me, a good review is able to clearly and concisely explain the writer's opinions while keeping the reader engaged. Any review where I read the entire thing and understand the reviewer's feelings--even if I don't agree with them--is a good review.
Conversely, any review where I don't feel the opinions were adequately explained or where I'm too bored to read to the end are bad reviews.
It seems like reviewers tend to have more trouble with being concise, which is at least easily fixable. A good editor can trim the fat (and the reviewer will hopefully learn from all the red pen on his paper), but there's not much anyone can do if the writer is bad at putting his thoughts into words.
Delicious double binds of nearly Infinite Jestian proportions
Hey! SunElliot Tzu! Stop writing about the philosophy of the video game review and get to podcasting.
I need more shit to think about while i toil away in this dungeon.
thanks.
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